Hello and welcome to Loews Theater Avenue, where all your multiplex needs are met! We've spent millions of dollars and countless years transforming this super block into one long strip mall perfect for the entire family. While you enjoy your stay in our humble village please be sure to visit any of our other chain establishments – including Petco, Rite Aid, Borders or even Crunch fitness. We used to have an Office Max, but now it's just a seasonal halloween store. We recommend that out-of-towners stay clear of the western side of the neighborhood since it's filled with unpredictable and unreliable locally-owned businesses. I mean, seriously, who needs fresh fruit and vegetables?
You'll be happy to know that in recent years we have been thrilled to welcome both Starbucks and Duane Reade into our happy neighborhood – thus removing older undesirables. While there is still much work to be done – By 2012 we can only hope and pray to have our very own Chase Bank (currently the nearest one is over 800 ft away, which our tourism counsel insists is too far), and a McDonald's or Five Guys (never let it be said that we aren't hip to the needs of our residents).
So we hope you'll visit soon. There's plenty to see and do for the entire family – so long as it involves seeing one of the Twilight movies.